Depression And Go-Kart Racing

Before I start writing about depression, I'd like to note that the two cars to the right are McLaren M8D racing cars. I'd like to have a go-kart with bodywork that would make the go-kart look like an M8D. More on karting below.

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Depression: Have you seen the Cymbala T.V. commercial about depression? The announcer says that "depression hurts," which is an odd way to look at depression, but the pictures tell the story.

When I'm depressed, I don't want to do anything but eat ice cream and watch T.V. Spending entire days on the recliner and/or in bed are NOT productive. And it's better for me and the dogs if we go for walks.

I've been reading this book that says depressed people should use their willpower to force themselves to do things. I CAN do things if the motivation is adequate. However, if I can't find it, I can't use it.

Recently, I've started walking around my housing development on the streets that could be used for a go-kart race.

Turn 1: After going north on Bradner, 90-degree right onto Cohoba
Long but slightly wiggly straight going mostly east, crossing Linkmeadow, West Gate, and Notches.

Turn 2: Another 90 right to head south on Samford.

Turn 3: A few slight wiggles on Samford before another 90-degree right onto Lagerway... then west on Lagerway.

Turn 4: Another 90 right up Notches

Turn 5: A left onto Bernoulli (was he a scientist involved in aerodynamics?)

Turn 6: Bernouli makes a quick left to the south.

Turn 7: A 90-degree right onto Nesbit to head west. Crossing West Gate, past the information kiosk, and straight towards a house.

Turn 8: Another 90 right onto Bradner to head back north and back to the start/finish line.

Before Christina Moves In

Taken just a week or so before Lacy died... from left to right: Brownie, Luna, Clyde, Christina, and Lacy in Silk Oak Park. Doghouse is somewhere in the background.

I should reduce the amount of stuff in the house. I should make room for her. I should not be selfish... but I am afraid if I surrender too much, I'll resent that. Sigh. Money does not buy happiness, but it would make our lives so much easier.

Master bedroom: Ours
Master bath: Mine
Guest bath: Hers
Guest room: Hers
Office: Mine
Study: Mine (but I should make room for Christina's books)
Living room: Ours
Kitchen: Ours
Garage: Ours

Maybe that would be OK with her, but I'd have to make room in the garage. No reason for me to keep Joy's real-estate records, for example.

And probably no reason to keep the computer I loaned to Christina, although it would be nice to get the data onto a Zip disk or 28 Zip disks. Chapters of The First Volvo On The Moon are on that hard drive.

Nice evening with Christina, although we had the sad task of picking up Cabby's remains. A small wooden box. More than most cats get.

I got somewhat overwhelmed, but at least I found my cellphone.

We are luckier than most people. We have troubles and worries and fears, and we have suffered losses, but others have suffered much worse.

Another Tragic Loss

Cabby died last night. Cabby was a cat that Christina rescued from the feral-cat colony she took care of for years. Cabby lost an eye at an early age and developed kidney disease about five years ago, so it can be seen as a miracle that he lived to be 13.

Christina, of course, is more deeply hurt than I am because Christina knew Cabby so much better.... they were together for so much longer. Her animals are part of her family.

She is still mourning the death of her father in November and the death of her dog Lacy last month. I have done what I could, but could not do enough.

Cabby will be cremated and his ashes will be kept in my house (inappropriately named "Doghouse") next to Lacy's ashes and near the ashes of Zooey and Cosmo.

No life has a happy ending. There are no happy endings. But Cabby was a sweet and happy cat.

When a person or an animal dies, we look backwards, and happy memories make us sad. When a person or an animal comes into our lives, we may be joyful, but we cannot know what the future may hold.

Christina and I will miss Cabby. All living things are special, but Cabby was very special to us.

P.S. Thanks to all of you who responded to my plea for help. Thank you for caring.

Slip sliding away, circling the drain

More and more things I cannot bring myself to do. These are things I want done:
1. confirmation that my brother and I will inherit our father's house, but I can' bring myself to copy the paperwork and get it to the lawyer I spoke with
2. SSDI (I can't bring myself to fill out the forms)
3. Income taxes (I can't bring myself to fill out the forms)
4. Appt. with a therapist (can't get through on the Blue Cross Website)

my hands hurt. My shuldders hurt. My brain goes blank in horror. I took 3 valium in the hopes of feeling better.

Clyde and Luna want to go walky walky.

I should be able to drive this evening to pick up Christina's cat Caddy from the vet.

I Hired Legal Representation

As some of you may know, my father Howard and stepmother Carol put their estate in a trust in 1996. My father's house and Carol's house went into the trust.

Logically, Carol's house was to go to her children............ and my dad's house to his children (Bruce, Joy, and me).

Here's the first complication: My dad and Carol were living in his house, and she wanted to keep living there if he died first. However, since my dad had nothing to pass on to his children except the house, he did a will giving the house to his kids immediately upon his death.

Carol didn't like that. She berated him so she had more time in the house after his death. Dad gave in and extended the time.

This happened two or three or four more times until Dad caved in totally and gave Carol life tenancy... so she would be trustee of the estate and live in the house until she died.

In December of 1999, Carol executed a grant deed to change ownership of my father's house
from her and him
to her only... without his signature.

As trustee, Carol is required to act in the interests of the beneficiaries, including Bruce, Joy, and me. Mortgaging our father's house was not in our best interests. The trust says that HE owned the property as trustee; the trust does not give ownership to her, even as trustee.

However, within days of the grant-deed fraud, she took out a $40,000 mortgage on my dad's house.... embezzling $40,000 from Bruce and me (Joy had passed away in February of 1999). I've been told by a realtor that Bruce and I would have to pay off any mortgage on the property if we inherited it.

Dad died on February 15, 2000.

When I told Carol I had found out about the mortgage she took out, she asked how I had found out, I told her, and that's the last time she has been willing to have any contact with me or Bruce.

She's behind on the property taxes, and I fear that the state will confiscate the house because she is not paying the taxes.

So I just want to make sure that our father's house goes to me and Bruce when Carol dies. I hate to spend thousands on a lawyer to make sure that happens, but I want to be sure.

Sigh. Sometimes, stepmothers really are evil.

My new lawyer wanted me to get him copies of relevant paperwork. I started making piles on the floor of my study. Lots of paper. I did organize the trust and relevant documents into a 3-ring binder... maybe my first step would be to take that to a copyshop and make a copy.

I could even put miscellaneous pages in a folder and send those along too.

That would be a good start.

I fear that the trust gives Carol too much power... but it also forces her to do things she has not done, and one of those things was making me a trustee after Dad died.

I fear I will lose this gamble, but I think I should try. Risking $4,000 or so is not stupid if the payoff was over $300,000.

Insights, Images, Representations, Senators

1. I don't know how many creation myths have been documented, but there is a Website that lists more than 40. I like the myths that include large turtles. How many of these creation myths should be taught in science classes? The Website is http://www.magictails.com/creationlinks.html).

2. We would be happier if we expected our daily lives to include torture, murder, suffering, loneliness, kidnapping, rape, animal abuse, disease, injury, injustice, death, agony, disappointment, theft, burglary, cruelty, thoughtlessness, selfishness, and other bad things.

3. We should do what we can to reduce sufferering; we should work to make the world a better place. Kind words and smiles are two ways to do this. Contacting people by email, phone, letter, card, and other methods can cheer them up.

4. We can express more praise and less criticism. We can be kinder.

5. Because the U.S. Senate gives unfair representation to those who live in less-populated states, it should be abolished. It is undemocratic.

6. There is a neat quiz on line that may surprise you; if you think you are you a liberal, conservative, or libertarian, this quiz might provide information to make you rethink your position. Take the quiz at http://www.quiz2d.com/quiz/quiz.php.

Uncle Emory Is Coming For A Visit!

My uncle Emory and my aunt Dorothy live in Dallas, and uncle Emory is coming here to chat, look at old photo albums, and meet Christina.

Emory was a Methodist minister and is a college professor; now mostly retired, he still teaches a class in sociology once in a while. And he is now co-writing an economics textbook. His specialty is the economics of poverty, which I find especially appropriate considering how the Bible advocates helping the poor.

And didn't Jesus say something about the difficulty that rich people have getting into Heaven?

Emory's father (my grandfather Gus Emory Burton) was a Baptist preacher. From preacher to teacher is not a large jump.

I regret not keeping in touch better with my family. I have kept in touch pretty well with Emory's son Michael; Mike lived in Austin during the 90s before moving to the Virgin Islands. There, he met his wife, Aggie, and they had a son (Jared). The family has recently moved to North Carolina, where Mike is communications director for a hospital.

Mike has stored some things at Emory and Dorothy's place in Dallas, and he plans to pick up that stuff Memorial Day weekend. Christina and I hope to come up to help supervise and spend time with Mike, Emory, and Dorothy.

Emory is not only an active professor but an active tennis player. It's neat to be with him because he is very much like my father and because he is a good person in his own right, of course. My father and Emory had a long correspondence that covered many subjects, and religion was perhaps the central subject of the correspondence. The correspondence was the basis, I think, of my father's book A Great Wakening Light.

That book, which is about humanism, mysticism, religion, etc. is at http://hometown.aol.com/kimzart3/0index.html. Thanks to Kim and Linda Medina, two of my father's students, for making this book available.

I'm feeling somewhat isolated in Austin, and it's all my fault, so I'm really glad to have time to sit down with uncle Emory. I was in Dallas during the summer for medical tests, but I am always glad to see family.

I've kept in better touch with my father's side of the family (the Burtons; his mother's maiden name was Hearn, which he said was originally Heron, and that a knight named Heron crossed the English Channel with William the Conqueror in 1066) than with the Campbell/Epperson/Reed/Saxon side of the family.

I wish I knew people who were more interested in geneology than I am so I can keep in touch better with more of my relatives.